THERAPY
Yes, I am in therapy. For the third time actually, I’ve only sought out therapy when I am in school oddly enough. First, I went in undergrad shortly after my grandmother passed away. I was a sophomore, and her funeral took place during my birthday weekend. I don’t even remember much about the grieving part.
Of course I cried and was sad, but I was mostly focused on being brave, my emotions were hidden. I can both share my emotions so freely and hide them so fiercely. That’s probably one of the things I do best. You just turn the smile on, and when I’m on, I am ON! But sometimes you are ON so much that you hide what’s happening beyond the surface. And I’m so glad that I’m done with that! Well learning to be!
You may ask, why is she going to therapy? A big reason is I am perfectionist, and surprisingly school (a system where we’re constantly measured and compared to others) brings that out of me in the worst ways. I am an avid over-thinker and a tad bit (ok maybe a lot a bit) controlling, and I have a problem letting go and letting God sometimes. But therapy is a time that I get to carve out for myself and be introspective about my behavior, my feelings, and often times my perceived shortcomings as a person, as a black person, as a black woman, and the combination of all of the above.
The second time I was in therapy, I was in graduate school for my M.A. I was in the beginnings of my now long term relationship with my partner William. I was having this existential crisis in life, questioning everything and obsessing over making the right decisions and avoiding any mistakes. I just wanted to be so perfect, and I wanted God and my family and friends to approve of so much of my life. Looking back I can see how perfectionism got in the way of so much joy and self-discovery. I was questioning EVERYTHING and just so unsure. I wish I could just tell that girl to Chill out! Lol.
And this time, I was on the heels of my first year as a PhD student, and a really difficult year for me personally. I had my accident with my knee, William got really sick and it seemed like our life was put on hold. I also found out that I would not have the guaranteed funding for Year 2 that I thought I would, AND we decided to move because of some difficulties with our first apartment which unfortunately included multiple thefts. It was one thing after the other, and I kept telling myself God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle, but it started to feel like He went on break and forgot to press pause. I knew I needed to make a change, and the perfectionism I sought in the midst of it all, the overwhelming need to “hold it all together” was literally making me burst at the seams. I wasn’t having great thoughts about myself and I was OVERWHELMED!
And let me be clear, therapy is not just some soul crushing, trauma digging, how did your mother screw you up as a child dive into your life.
It helps you work out difficult moments, behaviors, relationships, and so on. But more than anything it helps you think deeply about yourself, your habits, the person you truly are today, and how you go out into the world, and for that I am so grateful.
So much of my identity is/was tied to my accomplishments, because that’s what we’re rewarded for, that is what we’re taught to value. And if we’re not careful we internalize those things, in a system that was designed to work against us mind you! When the truth is just being here is an accomplishment and we should learn to reward ourselves for breaking away from the system that rewards us for what or how much we can produce. I am learning to acknowledge the importance of self care and not only it being a form of activism, but an important part of the reward system that I set up for myself, praising myself (not like God praising lol) for accomplishing something that is going to keep me uplifted, make me happy, and keep me going for another day is important!
I am working to dismantle the oppression of a school system that was not built to serve black and brown students, and then I’m choosing to prioritize what that very same system values over doing things for myself. I wasn’t acknowledging and taking time to process difficult moments, instead thinking I have to do it all and be some stoic black woman. I was not valuing myself in other aspects of my life. Talk about contradictory!
Therapy for me is me teaching myself how to value myself, how to treat myself with the same love and compassion that I show others, how to let go, not letting perfect be the enemy of good, and it is hard. It’ll take some time to break those habits but I’m glad I’m taking the time to do this, and it is JUST as if not more important than getting my Ph.D.
Today, the work that I’m doing on my insides, the work that you cannot see, the work that I don’t get rewarded for from others, the work I am doing in therapy, is my proudest accomplishment!
XOXO
Get you some therapy!
-EM
P.S. This is the first time my therapist is black, and a black woman at that! It’s been a really great experience. 😃