I want to be PREGNANT!

I want to be pregnant SO BAD right now. Like I just want to be pregnant, have a baby, and grow our family. And I don’t understand why I can’t be. Why I don’t get to be just yet. I have had 2 pregnancy losses in 9 months, with an elevated A1C (look it up) both times. And this last time it was extremely high. So high in fact that I was officially diagnosed with diabetes. And I truly believe this last pregnancy was my angel baby alerting me that my health wasn’t where it needed to be. And had I not found out I was pregnant I would not have gotten the blood tests I needed and so on and so forth… My endocrinologist is working with me to get my A1C and glucose levels down before we try again. Everywhere around me there is hope. And I am hopeful.

But waiting… I often feel I am ALWAYS waiting for the things that I want. Things always take me a little longer. It took me longer to graduate college, 5 years instead of 4. It took me longer to complete my master’s degree, about 3.5 years or so instead of 2. It took me longer to get married, longer to get my license (late 20’s), longer to finish my PhD (currently in year 5), and now longer to get pregnant! Well get pregnant and stay pregnant. And sure, there are reasons for these things. For both my master’s and PhD programs I was recruited for a job before I finished. Really great jobs might I add, so great reasons to take longer to finish sure. My brother got in a bad car accident when I was in high school, like the car was totaled and they were amazed he could walk away type of car accident and he was ok besides being cut up pretty badly, so yeah I was terrified of driving for quite a while etc… So, there are reasons why things take longer sometimes. And I can’t help but feel strongly that God has a reason for this too…

Even if there is a reason it still sucks! And I still get to both be thankful for another chance to try and be sad sometimes that it hasn’t happened yet. At the end of the day I can’t change the past. I mourn and I’ll mourn some more. Maybe I’ll always mourn a little I don’t know. But I also move forward. I am both so excited for the unknown and petrified at the thought that I could do everything right and still not get the outcome I desire.

And maybe you too are dealing with the waiting period of something. Something you want to end or begin, something you too wish would just happen! Happen now! And God is also telling you to wait and you like me are impatient. I often find peace in knowing the story is already written and whatever the future holds even if it’s not what I desire, it’s going to be ok. And there is so much wonderful life to live. Because that has always been true and will always be true. Through loss, through sadness, through anger, frustration and yes even waiting, there is life to be lived, joy to be discovered, and days to be filled.

So yes, I want to be pregnant and have babies SO badly. But I can’t forget the life I’m living now, this life is still worthy and still to be appreciated and felt! That’s the conclusion I have often come to through ALL of my MANY years of waiting haha. And I wish I could say I have mastered the wait, I have mastered being grateful despite not always getting what I want when I want it. But the truth is I have not. God has carried me through more than you know! And still this is a place I find myself over and over and over again! And this like some of the many things I have waited for feels impossible to get through at times because it is full of uncertainty and so much effort is needed on my part. But I am reminded of when driving felt impossible, and when finishing a Master’s thesis while working full-time felt impossible, and getting into a top 10 PhD program in the country felt impossible, and I now find myself on the other side of those “impossible” things, so I trust this won’t be any different. And I can’t wait to tell you all about it. And for today I’ll just tell you it sucks haha. But stay tuned!

XOXO

Erica M.