AM I SMART ENOUGH? — Erica N. M. Moore

Note: Written before I started Fall Quarter!

So I have about two and a half months until I start my Ph.D. program and I CANNOT wait! But I also can't help but wonder, am I smart enough? We are always our worst critic sure, but between you and me 👀... I wasn't sure I was even going to apply to grad school until a couple of months before applications were due. You want to know how I decided?

🚧Detour🚧 So, My GRE score expired last year (2017) (of course it did, 🙄), and I needed to take the test again. I had been looking at the available dates to retake the test since the summer, but hadn't committed yet. Finally I looked again in October and it appeared as though all of the upcoming dates had been booked, and I needed to take it in the next few weeks in order to get my scores in time to apply 😱. Can you guess what I did next?... I cried, because I really wanted to apply and see what happened! Most of my professors said they didn't get into their Ph.D. program on their first try and I wanted to get that first try out of the way! I realized then that I really wanted this, and I realized shortly after, that I wasn't looking at the right calendar and there were indeed some upcoming dates left. So I booked one for November and set out to secure my recommenders (another story for another time).

Now I know I am applying and I'm going to apply to only top 10 schools! Surprisingly this I have the confidence for 🤦🏾‍♀️. I wonder am I smart enough, but have the confidence to apply to only top 10 Ph.D. programs. Get it together Erica! But truthfully there aren't many instances in my life where I have felt smart enough... I have been fortunate to have some amazing opportunities in my professional career. And yet, I've often wondered am I smart enough. I can remember my first "real" job right out of my Master's program as a (bilingual) Senior Research Analyst at the University of Chicago. I was so excited! And I remember a few months in when I was given a mentor, and I couldn't help but look around and see that no one else at my level had one. And as you can imagine, the overthinking began. What's wrong with me that I need a mentor? What am I doing wrong? Do they not trust me? Am I smart enough? Truthfully I can see why I needed one, though it did make me feel a way at the time... She gave me feedback on many things that I did not recognize, and knowledge that I wouldn't have had. I remember running my first meeting and being able to get immediate feedback afterwards, it was an invaluable experience. We could be 100% transparent with one another and those are my FAVORITE kinds of relationships. I would help her format word documents and she would help me prep for meetings and workshops. It was a partnership.

Sadly, grant funding ran out for my position there and I had the biggest and what seemed like the LONGEST am I smart enough moment in my life. While I was looking for work in my field I had to work two part time jobs for 6 months just to make ends meet! In that 6 months I cried, I laughed, I met amazing people, I worked 13+ hour days, I felt sadness, I was broke, and I had some of my best times in Chicago. I had been applying to jobs in Chicago and all over for months and nothing... I felt God tell me to try Houston, my bf was there, I had friends and family there, but I didn't see myself there. I listened anyway, and I had a job within a week! Program Manager of Strategic Projects for a school district. I was happy, and I started off strong. But those thoughts persisted, am I smart enough? And am I smart enough turned into am I good enough? Measuring myself up to others and thinking wow that was a good idea, why didn't I think of that? Or, she is so smart, am I that smart? Throughout my education and career I have constantly had those moments, as I'm sure we all have, and now as I set out to embark on this BIG step in my career and life, that voice is louder than EVER!

How to beat that voice? I haven't figured that out just yet. But I know that I have been accepted into this program because I did the work to be here, and God has a plan. And if I do the work once I get there, I'll be doing just fine. Am I smart enough? I think so!

✌🏾❤️