I AM SMART ENOUGH, DUH!

So, I am definitely smart enough…

On, the first day of graduate student orientation they talked about Imposter Syndrome. I had heard this discussed before on a podcast I like called The Friend Zone, but I hadn’t thought it about it again until now.

Imposter syndrome: “(also known as imposter phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the imposter experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.”

— Wikipedia

This is what I had been feeling months before the school year started, but as they discussed it, others nodded their head in agreement and I realized I didn’t feel that way anymore. I felt like I belonged, like I am here for a reason, and that I am for sure smart enough to be here. Having attended 1 or 2 faculty meetings at this point with my Research Assistantship, I felt that my ability and my intellect had been affirmed. My contributions were listened to, appreciated, and sought out. I felt good. And not only that but before I started my program I just surrendered to the fact that I obviously don’t know everything, which means I’m going to be wrong sometimes, I’m not always going to be the smartest person in the room and that’s OK!

As a woman of color I feel I’ve gone through life academically and professionally putting soooo much pressure on myself to get it right EVERY TIME! To do everything perfect in every way so that no one can even attempt to look at me as less than or incapable, and when I fall short of that I can crumble. So in this arena, I decided to change that up, and give myself permission to not be perfect in everything. I FINALLY gave myself permission to be myself! And it has felt SO amazing! I no longer feel like an imposter because I’m not trying to be someone I’m not. I don’t hide my flaws or try to front like I understand things that I don’t. I know there’s a wealth of knowledge that I don’t have and I invite you all to relish in that with me. That is why we’re here, that is why we read, study, talk, listen, and learn! I can be a smart black woman without being the smartest woman ever, and that doesn’t make me any less smart or capable. I’m getting there, we all are.

XOXO

-EM